*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Cat.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream