Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself