Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
water it, i dare you
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark