Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo