[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know