Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Donkey Kong sommelier
I bet
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.