Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Fight
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM