You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Boom, boom, ching!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there