10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
i- i did not expect this
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*