Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD