Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?