No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.