I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
fr
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Oh the world we live in…
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
it’s finally my moment to shine
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.