My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*pokes sex life with a stick
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
This guy’s not having it 😆
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold