Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person