When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!