*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.