[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
You Might Also Like
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.