“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
no one likes gloating
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Brother?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.