In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I have two kinds of followers
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.