In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur