i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone