BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
relationship goals
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
These are too funny not to post 😂
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.