My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I put the mess in domestic.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you