“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.