Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I can also cook 😂
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs