When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.