I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.