I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something