no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.