Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I can’t stop laughing at this
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult