[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?