COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER