My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.