*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
good work, detective