Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.