Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.