Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
So many pants.
So little yoga.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.