me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking