Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Always
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed