My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Yeah. This was me today.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…