I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
You Might Also Like
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.