Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
They must have gotten it to go.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
i now pronounce you bounced.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women