If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I need to update my racial profile.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.