(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
nice challenge
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
knights of the ikea table
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente