Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
shut up and take my money
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.