[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Ha
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
This is sending me to another galaxy
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*launders Kohls cash*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end