Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Good Morning.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.