hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
You Might Also Like
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*