Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*